Chapter 10
Lying may not be the best idea to fall back on. There is nothing back up about lying. It deserves attention and forethought because without proper overthinking, there might be some gaps in the story. Gaps let pain sneak in. Unnecessary longing and pain. Stinging pain when one realises that the world they created was shattering down.
Evelyn didn’t like to drink so she didn’t drown herself in alcohol when the stinging pain would return. She just walked around. Stood with an umbrella in the rain. Looking at the life pass by. Time is a construct. She was privileged enough to not give it much weight. Or was it useless. Purposeless. Empty handed she walked back. Why was it so easy to break inside but so difficult to channel it out? she was hurting. She wanted to shout it out and cry but nothing. The denial was too strong.
The last time the hollow feeling had made a home, she had tried filling it by living her life vicariously. Not the soundest decision emotionally. She felt something for everyone. Turned around for too many people. If she could give a little to everyone then maybe she wouldn’t need to find that one person to give all those to. Laughing a little more at that one joke or pleasantly ignoring the sly jab about her “feminine” tendencies so as to enjoy the miniscule attention sent her away. Since when did loving Arctic Monkeys become a problem? How was appreciating good music, too girly of her? Ignoring such comments did wonders to her mental peace but nothing to avoiding toxicity.
The rain started pestering her so she walked into a pretentious café to continue the self-wallowing. There is nothing more peaceful than the consistent whispers about the turmoil of life by those whose life consisted of overpriced coffee and stubborn air conditioners. She would have joined the chatter but right now her life was truly hitting rock bottom. Evelyn carried her laptop everywhere. As nothing beats the imagery of a furious writer in a café, she embraced the upcoming rush of words. While processing and swallowing the wave of emotions inside, she eyed the man sitting beside. Playing with his hair, obsessively smoking an e-cigarette and occasionally scrawling words in a leather bound notebook, the man seemed like the quaintest literate man ever.
Evelyn would never do anything about it. Her relationship with men was an embarrassing desire. They were good to look at but she really didn’t want them near her. The few times she let them in, she had this disgust brewing within. It was always nice till she knew that she didn’t have to do anything more about it. Texting was fun, hanging out required some consideration and anything after was mostly always a no. There wasn’t any particular reason for this disgust but she almost always preferred to be in her own capacity. Maybe being alone was now a habit and not a choice. No, that would make Evelyn sane.
Thoughts drained out by the time 1263 words had been typed out. She resorted to studying people now. Back in college, she had taken Psych for two terms. There were some really beautiful people there with a fashion sense that could only reek of money. She loved looking at them. if she was a man she would have several cases to fight off but she was just appreciating.
Several humans later, her line of thought switched again. In walked in the recent applicant. The person she argued for way too much. Embarrassed she tried retreating into her chair. Would he know that she fought for his case a lot? He seems like that observant and opinionated kind of person. Probably read her eyes and find out her deep dark secrets. No, that would be too fictionally of him. He had dark hair too.
Evelyn couldn’t help but make her reality as fictional as possible. Even though she wanted to cower down under the table, she also wanted him to see her and approach the table. Checking if her hair is still damp from the brief stint under the rain, Evelyn muttered, no, no, no, no and glanced straight at Daniel for way too long. For a person trying to hide, she maintained the glance for far too long.
Daniel may not have the usual senses working at its best, but his sixth sense was at an all-time high. He sensed the presence of his daunting future and tried staying out of her way. In order to not get disheartened later, he had made up his mind about getting rejected. If there is no answer from the firm within 48 hours then they must have moved on.
Frequenting cafés was part of his research. In Daniel’s career path outline, he had lined out how after graduating he would aim for getting a job in a good high rated restaurant or a quaint café. Both would require way too much work and a little to no personal life. Just the way he liked life. So when life was at its absolute lowest, he would frequent his dream job places. Order the cheapest item and then compensate the spending by utilising every resource available there. fortunately for him, life seemed to always be finding a newer low.
Realising that Daniel may not approach her at all, Evelyn got up. As it had to be in the most attention seeking manner, she subconsciously hit the table in the process. Not only Daniel, but the entire population of beautifully clothed people turned towards her. Evelyn was trained as being unintentionally disruptive was a precedential occurrence for her. Multiple occurrences.
Daniel had pulled off ghosting people enough times to not bother. He proceeded the nonchalance but admittedly it was much more difficult than before.
She was a person of presence. Even law’s unflattering wardrobe couldn’t tame her need for attention. Evelyn walked up to him. She had to because she had to talk to him about his interview.
“Daniel, right?” there was two possible responses to this. Pretend as is he didn’t hear it and then further jeopardise his chance in getting the job or respond and compromise all his values.
“I think your interview went pretty decent. There wasn’t much to ask but formalities are an integral part of a law firm so we had to conduct it. Were you intimidated by Corbyn?”
She chose for him.
“Evelyn, it is great to run into you. I hope my nervousness wasn’t as prominent as I thought it was. I was intimidated by both of you.”
“That is the sweetest thing you could have said to me.” Distraction was great. Ensuring that she didn’t make a fool out of herself was bound to stop her from thinking about the BnB. “My aim is to be the most intimidating person to work with.”
“Why?”
“It gets respect.”
“Is it the only way?”
“As far as I have observed, yes.”
“I shall take your word for that then.”
The conversation reached its lull. Evelyn did not want it to end but she couldn’t creep her new assistant out especially when he was so intimated by her. Wasted progress.
“In the strip club, I was really grateful. For your help.” He chimed in. She squealed. Inside her head. But she might be beaming a little too wide.
“Well, grateful of and intimidated by. I guess I could do a lot worse, right? So are you applying to this café or is this also your regular place.” She started walking to her table and he decided that he might as well follow. She was like that, before the caring she could have directed an entire room to do her bidding.
“No, I come here for research.”
“I come here for writing. These pricey people give me motivation to write.”
He looked at her confused and he realised that this would happen a lot if he was hired as her assistant. In the three times he has spoken to her, there have been too many moments where he realised that she has inside jokes with herself. Too many of them.
“I don’t think you have received the official confirmation but as nothing yet has been formal between us, we have hired you. You will be my assistant and I assure you that I will try my best for it to be smooth sailing.”
“Good to hear.”
“I forgot how you came by this job.”
She would do anything to continue the conversation.
“You saw me applying for freelance writing in the strip club.”
“Of course, I did. I don’t frequent the strip clubs much, it was my friend’s party for finishing her PhD.”
“I frequent it a lot.” He may speak in one one sentences but he isn’t that bad at conversations.
“I am sure you do. Smart choice of not mentioning that in your interview. It’s your turn to order.”
Evelyn’s shamelessness only extended till the time she didn’t like the person. No care of her reputation so complete freedom to be herself. Another reason why she was happy that she convinced herself that fame wasn’t for her. As he was ordering she wondered if he actually had any financial issues. It brought up the question of how old he was.
“How old are you?”
“26”
“How were you able to convince yourself to go through college again?”
“Dire need for money.”
“Yes, it looks like you need it.” She was never good with controlling her thoughts.
He laughed. What else could Daniel have done. For sometime he felt that she had begun interviewing him again. If she was then he should try to not make this round as bad. Second time should always be better than the first.
“ok I should go” she picked up her takeaway cup and walked away. Was it okay she was thinking he would somehow follow but he didn’t and she gave up when the door closed behind her.
He nodded and went his way. Her exit and the out of place financial commentary would loom over her head the entire night.
A strong case could be made that she made situations worse so that her nights were spent analysing external worries and not everything wrong with her.
Bad things happen to her and are not inherent to her. Small point of difference but as long as she has herself to believe that she isn’t completely flawed, she can convince herself to wake up the next day. Not in a drastic way just wake up with hope. Wake up to sort out yesterday’s worries and sought more new ones.
There is an assurance with worries. One will always have something to do. As soon as life is going good, it is also on a standstill. Why would anyone want to change something that is going good? Why would one want to tinker with happiness? Sadness and fear is not a volatile guest, but joy is one erratic and demanding partner. The kind of partner that requires work to maintain them or effort to make them reach the next level. On the other hand, the guest may have been uninvited but they know how to make themselves at home and comfortably so. They are silent, don’t require much from anyone and are silently just residing in the home.
Relationships, partners and forever was never really Evelyn’s cup of tea. She would rather nurse guests crashing on her couch with promises of it being a temporary arrangement. The first time she had to tend to a couch crasher was when she was 12. Her mother had just stormed off from the room after ensuring that she had made herself clear about how useless Evelyn was. The guest had then never left. They would sit on the side and watch every time Evelyn tried to contribute some meaningful joy to her parents. Evelyn also convinced herself that the guest didn’t exist. That there was no one and even if there was she didn’t have to tend to them. If she didn’t give them any attention, then they would go away, right?
They didn’t. She has accepted that maybe she was just better at moving on from the sadness. They would leave sometimes too but now she was numb. It was all okay.