Chapter 11
Lying is about the timing. One can’t just be in the mood for it. Respect the craft. Think over the sentence. Think about the consequence.
Frances was yet to confront Evelyn about her blindness to consequences. Evelyn had apologised about leaving the party early and enquired her about why Frances did not pick up her phone.
“I was occupied.” She responded to her friend who was hurt by her ignorance. Frances didn’t want to divulge more and Evelyn didn’t pester. No one apologised and none believed they should. The repeated calling could have been the reason why Frances could not go ahead with bad decisions and she hated that she could tell Evelyn the result of her insistent calling.
They were walking around France’s square. Well lit from recent festivities in a neighbouring house, they pictured the birthday party a tween would have enjoyed. It is a case study by itself; the evolution of birthdays.
Evelyn’s birthdays were an elaborate mess. From hosting grand ones during her school years to chaotic plans now. People were key before and now she tried skipping the disappointment by enjoyed her day alone.
It’s her day. Nothing should go wrong.
Frances was always celebrating more tamer ones. Her parents would have family over and they would all fawn over her most recent accomplishments. Now she would go about everything Evelyn had planned for her. She always had a great time. Somehow Evelyn always knew what she would enjoy even though she thought she barely spoke a word when they were together.
“How do you feel, Doctor?”
“Relieved. I have put something daunting behind me but my eyes are closed to everything ahead.”
“If you can’t see it, then it’s not there.”
“Wise words.”
They had reached the end of the corner and stopped to get a smoke. Their walks had a routine to it. A choreography; as if their muscles knew nothing else. Predictable end to their route and their hands would just take the stance to dangle the smoke they never meant to quit.
“I had an interview today. For the assistant position. Corbyn was furious.”
“Back up. Why was Corbyn furious, isn’t he glad you are finally taking this seriously.”
“I interviewed a person I met in your party.”
“Oh, a stripper wanted to be a legal assistant?”
“The chef wanted to be anywhere but in that kitchen, and so I sent him my contact details.”
“and Corbyn is pissed because you are hiring someone unqualified”
“and someone he thinks I want more with”
Frances did not have the capacity to react. She wished she could be surprised and reassuring that this is not going to be an HR nightmare but Evelyn was so predictable in her nonsense that this was all going to boil down to another story. She knew she would never act on it and she would probably end up rejecting the chef but she hated that Evelyn would go out of her way to create problems. Life would serve problems anyway why cook your own?
There are people who would rather create problems to ensure that they are never to be blamed for their lack of happiness. Some just can’t handle the pressure to “be” and so they need stories to fuel their misery. They are lonely because they are scared that there own individuality is the reason why life is empty and so they mask their misery by creating other problems. Blame the ungrateful job that they don’t enjoy, unrequited crushes on people who were never available in the first place or the nagging family that go out of their way to stay together. Just don’t take responsibility because that is too real.
Frances knew that Evelyn was aware of her destructive defences and that she had probably already theorised how all her problems are the creation of her fear but she couldn’t find the right time to address them. There was more than one occasion when she had decided to avoid Evelyn when Evelyn was at her lowest. More than once when she thought Evelyn would figure it out or have some other friends to be with when Evelyn was alone. She hated that she never happened to be there when she should have and she hated that she felt guilty.
It was only last year that she realised that she was a lot closer to Evelyn than she had believed. They were close but she thought Evelyn was close to everyone; she always is. She has stories that never stop. She has plans that Frances couldn’t even fathom and a boyfriend that was designed for her. How could a person like this have a pit that she can’t stop falling into?
Evelyn has always been falling. Tumbling down a pit that never ended. With no bottom. She couldn’t stop herself from thinking how she has never felt love. Even when she was with the doctor, there were many moments where she felt all alone. Maybe she did make an entire world for the doctor to be in because she couldn’t believe that he would want to be in hers.
She never learnt how to be loved because by the time it rolled around for her, she didn’t want to. There was a time when she would want to know how it felt to be loved but now she would rather just fall. Be in control of how she felt because expectations otherwise hurt. How did it feel to be loved? How did it feel to know that there is something to be lost? Evelyn didn’t think she lost anything with the doctor. There was a reassurance that went away but the doctor didn’t love her anymore than he liked her being there. Reassurance. She fell for the doctor but she falls for everyone.
People knew her and some would even call her friends but was she the first person that came to their minds when making plans? Probably not. They all thought she would have something else to do. Someone else to rely on. The doctor did to. He would not guess that loneliness ate her up inside.
Frances didn’t like to believe that Evelyn was alone. She often convinced herself that it was all in Evelyn’s head. How could Evelyn not know how it feels to be loved when every time they met all Evelyn could talk abut was how much in love she was. With a new movie, with a new man, with the new idea she had. Evelyn was someone with a lot of love so she had to be loved.
Frances wanted to be there for her. She wished that she could be. But there was something so distant for her. Even though she knew her role in Evelyn’s life, she always thought that Evelyn valued her too much. That she had been put on a pedestal that Evelyn never let her justify. She worked for something she had already earned and was still reaching no where.
Nothing was done intent fully. Evelyn was always apologetic, excited, angry and in love without the intention to be any. For her other people’s actions didn’t matter because she believed her feelings were just hers. They hardly ever are.
“You know based on the amount we spend here; we should probably buy the ciggie place. Might as well get them at source.” Frances said. “And now, more than ever.”
“Why, ciggie prices increasing?”
“Well, you might get fired for boinking your underqualified assistant and I have a philosophy degree which means I don’t have a job to get fired from.”
“Doctor, that is extremely sound logic. Can’t argue with that. Two to-be jobless women. I think we can still make a stand of feminism and justify this.”
“Men have been canoodling with assistants for a long time and now strong, ambitious women do it too.”
“Socrates preached without being a doctor; so why should we stop a female doctorate from starting her cult.”
“I don’t think I can run a cult.” Frances often believed that she would be a loyal member of a cult but running one seemed to be for someone decisive.
“Don’t worry, I’ll tell my assistant to handle it and he can also make the food for the first cult retreat.”
Finishing their smoke and musing about men in kitchens, they continued their walk. It’s fun to succumb to monotony. Frances and Evelyn never had a trouble finding something to discuss. One read into things and one tried to have stories all the time.