Chapter 8
Lying has to be satisfying because what is the point of putting in so much effort and thought into something so morally grey. Lies are bad so when done, it should be done well. To fib without a purpose is cruel and Daniel tried his best to not be cruel. He did not have the fortune to do so. Not rich enough to get away with it and not traumatised enough to justify it.
He needed to ace that interview to survive. While he wasn’t completely satisfied by the interview, he was overjoyed by his lie and not getting caught. Evelyn could have corrected him there and take away the chance for a decent salary. She didn’t. If he does get the job, he was sure of having given his 100%. An overjoyed person who always tries and ends up doing the bare minimum. The tale of men.
He was on his way back when he spotted Honey near the station. She halted and waited for him to catch up. Honey wouldn’t ask any questions about why he had reached this part of the town, just the way he wouldn’t. For all he knew, she had a child with a rich snob and co-parenting brought her to this side.
Vulnerability is not something either were planning to share with each other so their dynamic worked well. Honey was never planning to be anything more than Honey for him. If he thought that Honey was her real name, then it was simply his problem.
Honey didn’t know what made her a lot more comfortable with Daniel than any other person working in the club. Even the relationship she had with the rest of the girls stayed within the walls of the club. With the others her connection limited to shared pain.
Though she couldn’t pin point what about Daniel made her okay to walk beside him outside of work, she had no intentions of changing it. She was curious about why he was leaving a law firm but it was more inquisitive than concern. Inquisitiveness is short lived. Inquisitiveness to know what is concealed is often how humans end up with rash and impulsive decisions. She has been prey to it. Would never put someone in that position even if it is just asking a question. Some actions alter perspectives.
They walked down the street in silence before Daniel turned towards Honey and asked, “do you think I am organised?”
“You are annoyingly particular about your kitchen so yes, I will call you meticulous and organised amongst a few other less positive words.”
“Always a pleasure getting your opinion.”
“Any time.”
“Heading back to the club?”
“In about an hour. Heading down to the high school around this corner.”
“okay.”
They did know that they were peculiar with how they defined their comfortability with each other. Daniel walked with her to the school as he was heading to the community college right across. They were the kind of friends who cared about each other a lot but not in a way which intruded into each other’s day to day activities. He wondered if he would have walked her to the school if he was not heading down the same road.
He left the question unanswered because he didn’t trust himself for actually doing what he would answer. Maybe he would have dropped her off. Does it matter? Honey believed he wouldn’t. it was easy for them to not need constant reassurances of each other’s care. Their indifference was their bond. Sustainability was irrelevant. For the time being they had something.
Daniel had to drop off his class assignment and head back to the club. A five-minute task that when done with inherent lethargy and the generational need of being slow can take a good 15 minutes. Studying the halls of the morning college, Daniel harboured thoughts of envious alternate realities in which he was walking down the same hallways fussing about the assignment but during the morning slot. Muttering “sour grapes”, he left the college. He still had half an hour till his shift would start so he contemplated heading back to the firm and confronting the boss. A feat he had never before pulled off.
There was a hardly a point in his life that had driven a need to engage in a confrontation. A human is only truly fired up enough to demand clarification when they care. If the one purpose in life for Daniel is to cruise through with the least effort and care, then confrontation would contradict every essence of existence. Thus, the quiet monotony of the Daniel life.
In the end he decided against storming up the firm he wanted to work in and walk till the club instead of taking the bus. He did have half an hour to kill so took a longer path down. A walk is a lot more than a physical action. It is one activity that can seemingly occupy a busy mind while also letting it believe that there is space to think. The mind is not busily occupied while walking because, left then right then left then right and that is all there is to it. So the overthinking and in Daniel’s case, the over fretting can continue happening. Yet it is the entire need to be conscious while walking so as to not left right into a wall, the fretting’s volume becomes a lot lower. It is slight whisper at the back.
As this was a complete new area for Daniel, he was also looking around. Taking in the surrounding. The bricks were a lot more exposed because no delusional and/or religious text adorned the walls. There was neatly growing ivy. Even the plant world knew this to be the area of silver lined pockets. The area where children could grow up to be generational wealth handlers. In the walk down the pretentiously cobbled roads, he walked across the firm that holds the entirety of his future in their hands.
He wasn’t going to sour grape the firm right away. Just looking at it and observing the tiny details about it to fuel his thoughts. From the glass panels he saw people move across the rooms busily and wondered if they enjoyed feeling important. He wondered if they did feel important? Some careers are made to suit the whims and fancies of others.
Over the roof of the firm there was a branch of bougainvillea. Decorating the sobriety with freckles of pink. Maybe working here wouldn’t be the worst choice for him. Maybe it wasn’t selling his soul to the devil but giving it for a temporary hold.
Realising that the half an hour gap would come to an end soon enough, he concluded the office observations for the day and moved on to the club. The 16-minute walk to the club felt reformative. He felt that the next couple of weeks or days could be his last shifts at the club. The greasy hole would become an experiment of the past. Probably the last few times he would cook a full buffet. Was he already feeling remorseful about leaving the club? There had been no reply from the firm but the realisation of him probably having to leave the place after some time truly hit him then.
Considering the possibility of doing both the jobs and managing college for a second too long, Daniel walked on in denial. If he gets the job, he will not be cooking. There was nothing apart from the cooking which the club could give him but he probably would not stay in touch with Honey. They were circumstantial friends. The kind who become so dear to you only when they are around. She was the person he would instantly gravitate to if he saw her around but if they weren’t in each other’s sight, it is safe to assume that they were as good as strangers.
Friendships are just like that. They are safe spaces. The kind that has to be everywhere. As good as love but something more innocent. Love that is not tainted. Yet. Daniel and Honey were safe spaces. They didn’t have many friends to have the luxury of forgetting each other’s comfort but for them comfort itself was a luxury. An elixir they enjoyed sparingly.
An eight hour shift later, which included herding 2 drunken woman out of the kitchen and assuring another man about his preference, Daniel headed on to his college.
He hated how packed his day could become but he wouldn’t have survived a flexible schedule. Too used to being on his feet, he felt like a waste of space when he didn’t have a purpose. Didn’t have a place to be. There had to be somewhere he had to run to. Someplace he had to run from. The chase, the productivity and the denial fuelled him to continue living the monotony. Without it, he would be stuck in a groundhog day situation. Seen that movie too many times to desire that life.
His narcissism didn’t allow him to accept that he lived a tired life. Self-doubt and self-idealism make an unlikely couple in his mind. Feeling better than everyone around him and yet hoping that the ceiling crashes down on him is a battle that hasn’t stopped since he was 8. The year he realised he could do much better than his family but didn’t know if he would end up any better.
There was only one class scheduled for the day and it was Contemporary Bread Making. A day that would not end without the messiest outcome. Fortunately, it was just a theory day today. Taking a seat near the door, he prayed for no bouts of fainting this time. The plan was to write notes diligently, make a comprehensive to do for the next day and then dash out of the class. Running back to his flat, he had full plans to crash on to his bed and hope to never wake up. Eventful day.
Scrawling the date on the top left corner of the page, he observed his professor waiting for the class to have more students than the only lonesome one in the corner. There was an eagerness which soon transitioned to impatient annoyance and finally the waiting settled down to a more disappointed tone. The professor looked down with a dismal face wondering where the world went wrong. More specifically his life but that food of thought couldn’t be acknowledged so publicly in a night college. Asking the two half present students how keen they were on knowing about the chemical reactions that take place while fermenting bread. Hoping the chances were low and he could go back to his distant daughter who was probably hiding a partner back in their home, he was met with further disappointment. His latest career crisis, had made Daniel suddenly really respect the course he had taken. These 2 hour lecturers were his only connection to the path he wanted to pave his way through.
Daniel had hoped that his eager yes would have elevated him in the eyes of his professors but his instincts were seldom accurate. Reaching a point of compromise, the professor ended up giving his daughter an hour more of issues. Enthusiastically writing notes and alternating between colours, Daniel felt his future getting less bleak. Maybe he could get the best of both worlds. Instincts.
Even with the day ending, there was a possibility of not everything collapsing. If it was a lie, a farce or naïve hopefulness, Daniel could not have cared less. For once, he didn’t sleep with dread. He didn’t sleep second guessing the minutes that passed by.