Chapter 9
It is not about who one lies to. At the end of the day, it is alone they have to crash. Alone one fends the world. Alone one survives. Alone one constructs a lie. Maybe that is why lying is both a lonely person’s defence and an alone haven. Evelyn was lonely. She had always been lonely.
Nothing could appease her and she wasn’t loved by any. Tolerated? Yes. Loved? A stretch. She had constructed her life knowing, at the end of that day she would be alone. A media lawyer who represented the flashy world but cowered behind. Never took risks because what is the point. There was never a reason good enough. Life never moved any direction. It started and ended at her. There were times and people, when and for whom she wanted to move the world. Seize the day. Yet she didn’t think she was good enough to do so. Never asked out any of the guys she had mooned over. Never took the leap for a dream she had painstakingly dreamt.
Contemplated all the possibilities and while she did smile over the nicer outcomes, it was the unfavourable ones she tended to. She was a movie buff so she had learnt to expect disappointment to not be disappointed. When she did go over to the BnB her ex was stashing himself in, she expected him to turn his back on her. They were anyway dating out of convenience so residue emotions were out of question.
Almost 4 years ago, the doctor and lawyer had run into each other in a pub. One was getting drunk and the other was trying her best to not judge the mess in front of her. The movie, Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind was being screened and the drunk man was audibly invested in it. Evelyn loved the movie before she read an article about the mindlessness of Winslet’s Manic Pixie character. Being the pretentious feminist she was, Evelyn decided to dislike the movie.
The doctor, by this time, was glued to the screen. He screamed his love for Winslet and looking at this display, Evelyn couldn’t help but murmur, “typical misogynist.” Turning to her, the drunk man said, “this movie is anything but misogynistic.” She then went ahead to explain how any movie that diminishes a woman to a manic pixie is a misogynistic movie. Seeing the possibility of a passionate night of debate, sobered up the man, and they had the most mind numbing discussion about Winslet and her orange haired character.
From there started the movie madness. They would hardly have the time to meet up but when they did, there conversations never halted. Always something left to bicker about. She loved it and he learned to enjoy it. There was a pattern and routine to their love. She loved it and he tried to. For him, she was set in her life. There was an order to her way of living that didn’t have a space for change. Didn’t see the need for him to change anything. While she thought the small corner that she allotted to him was perfect, he didn’t like to be confined. Ironic, if you consider that his life too was confined by the walls of his practice when it wasn’t spent with Evelyn. They both found their escapes together but their lives just didn’t see realities merge.
Perception. The one thing Evelyn understood. Her work required her to churn out all sorts of perceptions. Find the altered truths. So coping with the fact that her ex did not see the perfection of their relationship happened pretty easily. But with a deep insight about perception comes the curse of thought. She started analysing every stone they had turned. Everything she ever said. The worst thing she analysed was the social media posts she put. Not only of theirs together but every single one of them. Seeing it from his perception. Did he not like her opinion on adaptations? Should she have put up a story about Spielberg instead? Or should she just not have put up a story at all?
For whatever it was worth, she was trying to figure out where everything went wrong. There was the spillage of emotions from her end but she doubts any left on his side. Once one believes the worst in everything, they don’t know how to go back. Hope was synonymous to being let down.
Knocking on the front door, Evelyn waited with a big box propped up on her waist. It had everything she believed to be his from his apartment or at least co-owned by them. The gynaecologist was painstakingly organised to have left any of his personal belongings at her flat so she piled in a few of their shared items. She had contemplated putting the toaster but decided she needed something to justify the size of the box.
What felt like the longest minute of her life, he opened the door. By that time, she had already wondered if he had company and thus had taken so long to open the door.
“I am so sorry; I should have called before dropping by like this. You must be busy and I should have asked before. All I knew was that you had your break at this time so I came to give the stuff left at the flat.”
“Evelyn, take a breath. You will pass out if you don’t breathe and then people will accuse me. Come in and keep that box on the counter over there.” He pointed at the tiny kitchen counter at the far right side of the one room Bnb.
“I am sure, I didn’t leave anything behind but I love your concern for my need of toasts and pop-tarts.”
Setting the box down she said, “there is a t-shirt of yours too.”
“You liked that t-shirt more than me.”
“Yes, because I gave it to you! It is the only thing you had that wasn’t green or grey.” Evelyn pulled out a faded purple t-shirt that had a huge Smiley in the middle.
“I wore it because you liked it a lot.”
“You are not allowed to say cute things like that and make me feel nice. It makes me miss you.” She loved how she could say such things. Now that they weren’t dating, she could tell him how he made her feel as if she was presented with a flower crown and told that life would be fine.
“Then miss me. Just because we aren’t seeing each other and don’t live with each other doesn’t mean that we can’t miss each other or love each other.”
“No one said anything about love.”
“Drop the sarcasm for now. I have known you long enough to see exactly when that prickly defence mechanism of yours kicks in.”
“Isn’t that one of the reasons you liked me in the first place?” Nothing could make Evelyn anticipate the conversation heading this direction. They didn’t indulge in such conversations.
Not being privy to the monologue in Evelyn’s head, he continued on. “I don’t think love has anything to do with proximity. I miss you and there is a high chance I will continue loving you for a long time. You know, I was watching Fleabag again last night and I can’t go through a single scene without wishing you were there blabbering and fangirling about Phoebe.”
“She is the best writer out there so it is right of you to miss that.”
“You are a huge part of my life. I do not want to forget that ever. I will never pull a The Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind with you because you make me smile. Just because our idea for or future is so different that not being together is our best option does not make us insignificant for each other.”
“What idea for future? We never talked about any of this so you can’t say our ideas didn’t match. You don’t even know my idea. I would Eternal Sunshine you. It is painful to think that I was so easy to dismiss for you because you just decided you can’t anymore. There was no trying. No acknowledging. You didn’t tell me once any of this when we were together!”
“It isn’t supposed to be a planned conversation. I should not need to say, ‘Hey Evelyn, where is this heading? Are you with me because you want someone to talk movies with you or do you actually like me? Do you want to marry me? Do you at least want me in your life? Do you think about me when you think of your retirement? Do you think about me?”
“I thought about you. I thought about you all the time. What you would think about my next project, how you would react to my parent’s antics or whether you would come with me to my brother’s next magazine release or not?”
“Evelyn. That is all near future. That is all as present as present can be.”
“I can’t think for longer. I don’t think about later. Future is a mirage.”
“How long did we date? 3 years. After 3 years of being with you do not try to convince me that you don’t think about later. Half your problems stem from overthinking.”
“That is hurtful. I just think about risks.”
“Apparently I wasn’t even worth your worry.”
“You want me to worry about you? How is that good? That cannot be a healthy relationship at all.”
“you are purposely trying to not understand my point.”
“No, I don’t understand your point. I think our relationship was perfect because we didn’t have to worry about each other. Fret about what happens next. We had our lives and a little part of it was for each other. It was quaint, beautiful and no spillage.”
“I wanted you all over my life. You didn’t want spillage. We have different ideas about what relationships are. I felt that you made a whole different world for me to exist in.”
“I loved that world. If I didn’t have to make money and if my family was, well not like that, then I would always be in that world. Never leave it. You are the best thing. I will give my toaster up for you.”
“That is the nicest thing you have said to me.” Evelyn thought she made her point but seeing his face, she realised that in fact she proved his. In three years their views never matched.
“You were always much better in saying the nice stuff. Whenever you called me talented, my heart found the ability to resist gravity and just float about.” She added.
“Well, I could never lie to you.”
He was trying to hold back his emotions. The ones rushing back convincing him to give her another chance. To get spoiled by her again. Evelyn’s world was overwhelming. Her love was to spoil and she did it unabashedly. She may not have ever been kind with her words but whenever he would tell her anything, her entire attention would be his. She would look at him with admiration and wide eyed love. Make him tiny gifts and be so unreserved in protecting him. He often called her his shield. Absolutely unnecessary but extremely effective. He knew she loved him. Maybe more than he did but he didn’t want to be shielded away from her life. He wanted to be there with her. Support her. Live in her world.
“Are you going to find a way to run away now?” He turned to his side to see Evelyn fidgeting.
“I am not running away, Corbyn has messaged me about something urgent.”
“I know for a fact he didn’t, but now that I have a toaster, I am not going to argue. Cannot take my chances on you taking it back with you.”
“Hate that you know me so well.”
“Just saw you eyeing the toaster.”
“Good deductions then. I am going to head off then. Miss me. Bye.”
“I will try not to.”
She left the BnB without the closure she wanted. A lot lighter. Toasters are heavy appliances that no one should lug around.